If you thought that I would provide you with the 1-2-3 to get rid of people pleasing, then unfortunately I may disappoint you. I imagine you may hesitate or question if you want to continue reading, but I invite you to stay with me a bit longer as we unpack people pleasing.
Have you ever referred to yourself as a “people pleaser?” or “That’s just who I’ve always been?” Maybe you’ve been frustrated with yourself for saying “yes” when you truly wish you could say no. I am not here to shame you, but rather explore this with you. I’ve personally lived most of my life identifying as a people pleaser. I was terrified of saying no or disappointing others due to the fear of rejection and isolation. As a Black, Lesbian woman my people pleasing went DEEP. I felt that I needed to assimilate and be more aligned with white, Eurocentric, heterosexual normative culture growing up to be accepted. This form of people pleasing (maybe I should call it societal pleasing) was exemplified through straightening my hair, pretending to be straight, and replacing slang with white-centered colloquialisms. Overall, this form of people pleasing was a form of erasure for me.
BUT, it makes sense…
People pleasing was not my identity, and it is not yours. It was a form of protection and it prevented those fears of rejection and hurt from others. In other words, people pleasing is a part of you that has developed to ensure you feel secure and protected. It’s the part of you that has witnessed the consequences of not pleasing others and seeks to ensure that will never happen again. It may also feel like it “has to” please others “or else.” It’s easy to tell ourselves that we should not worry about others and that we don’t need to please others, but that is not often what this part needs because there are times when this part’s fears are validated. For instance, people are sometimes not the kindest or respectful of your boundaries when you say you are unable to do something. In fact, you may, unfortunately, experience rejection or frustration from others when you no longer engage in people pleasing. Therefore, simply assuring yourself that you no longer “have to” people please may not soothe the inherent need to please others.
What does it need then?
This is unique for each person. The first step is to become aware that it is occurring and to become curious about its experience. Before you reflect on how to change this part of you, try to build a relationship with it through some of the following prompts/questions:
1. How long have I been people pleasing?
2. How did I learn to people please? Did I observe it in others? Was I punished (physically, psychologically, socially, etc) when I did not please others?
3. How did others respond to me when I people pleased?
4. If I didn’t people please, how would I like to respond others instead?
5. What am I afraid would happen if I didn’t people please anymore? Is there anything you can offer yourself to soothe those worries?
After you reflect on the questions, ask yourself if any of those answers make sense to you. I imagine there is something valid or truthful to the answers. Through the process, you may also notice an inner critic that says,“This doesn’t make sense” or “that was so long ago.” I invite you to also validate that part of you too.
So, the key is not to stop people pleasing, but rather lean into it to better understand the need and experiences behind people pleasing. Through these reflections, keep an open heart with compassion toward your people pleasing part.
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Kayla Bell-Consolver, MS, LMHC
Pronouns: She/Her
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